I'm back!

Hello avid readers.

Yes, it's me, you good old friend Albo. I've been away for a while, now, and boy have I been busy! Where do I begin?

SEPTEMBER:

September was crazy, it really was. The thing about this month is that it always follows August, which is absurd enough in itself. I tried my hardest to get a job, but a whole manor of obstacles got in my way. Firstly, the usual system of having to apply for jobs really bothers me. This seemed to slim down my options. Secondly, I found a way to get hold of free money. I got a credit card. Two, in fact. I'm not sure how the credit companies make money, but I'm in no hurry to found out. The third obstacle preventing me from getting a job, was a large traffic cone outside my door, stopping me from leaving the house.

I decided to cook to for the last week of September. Unable to leave my house, I only used ingredients already in the cupboard. Here's a fantastic recipe that you should try yourself.

"Household's delight"

2 x eggs
1 x half loaf of bread (pref mouldy)
1 x handful of pasta spirals
1 x half bag of frozen peas
11 x heaped table spoons of salt
1 x half jar of instant coffee.

Preheat oven to highest setting. Place the bread evenly on the baking tray, Crush pasta spirals with a hammer, and sprinkle onto the bread, until all bread is covered. Add the frozen peas, and place in the oven for 15 minutes. Remove, and add the coffee and the salt. Serve with tap water, preferable lots, to compensate for the high salt levels.

I made this several times, however I stopped eventually, as it tended to make me physically sick.

OCTOBER:

The traffic cone was removed, enabling me to leave the house. My first trip was to the police station, to report the theft of my car, from right outside my house, can you believe it? Nowhere in modern society is safe from such evil. The police took quite a few details, and told me they'd look in to it. I did tell them one white lie, regarding the car. I told them that I had a maroon Lada 66TT. In reality, I've never owned a car, let alone had one stolen. I can't even drive. I hope this doesn't infringe their investigation. Incidentally, I don't think that Lada produces a car called the 66TT.

The other thing I did in October, was to go to the supermarket. I bought some new food, as having not eaten in eight days, was beginning to feel weak. I return home, to cook a cracker of a meal:

"Albo's special pudding"
6 x large pots of Greek yoghurt
13 x small bags of dry roasted peanuts
1 x generous portion of grated, strong cheddar
1 x drop of Tabasco sauce
11 x heaped tablespoons of salt
1 x can of tuna fish (must be in brine)

Empty all ingredients into a large bowl and mix with a wooden spoon, or a hammer if you don't have one. Place in the fridge for 60 seconds, and remove. Pour into a large wok. Cook on the hob for about an hour, until black. Serve with a slice of lemon.

NOVEMBER & DECEMBER

I have no memory of these months.

JANUARY

Not the best of starts to the New Year. I lost my keys, and was locked out of my house for three weeks. I slept in a local street, and became quite good friends with Alistair and Lord John, two local tramps. They smell terribly, but boy do they know how to drink. I played a few games of poker with them, however not being familiar with the game, I lost miserable. I ended up owning £300, but it was me who got the last laugh - I didn't pay them a penny. I simply told them fuck off.

I re-entered my house at the end of the month, through the back door, which was never locked. Arguably, I should have done this earlier. Excited by my return home, I cooked a slap up meal:

"Uncle John's Lunch"
1 x large bag of onions
1 x tin of baked beans
1 x half bottle of orange squash
2 x jars of low sugar jam
1 x plain digestive biscuit
1 x large bag of sugar.

Preheat oven to highest setting. Place the onions in the oven, and bake until charcoal like. Heat some water in a saucepan, and add the baked beans. Boil for 20 minutes. Drink the orange squash, undiluted, and vomit if necessary. Drain the boiled baked beans, and add to the charcoaled onions. Throw the digestive biscuit in the bin, and spread the jar of jam generously onto the beans. Pour all the sugar on, then leave in the freezer over night. Remove the following morning and microwave on full power for 20 minutes.

FEBRUARY

I have no memory of February.

MARCH

So, here we are - completely up to date. I'll be back soon, telling you more about my life, and maybe slotting in a few recommendations.

Albo. 04.03.06