Fridge

I've had a lot of letters asking what it takes to be a great cook. I don't have a clue, but thankfully I'm blessed with fine kitchen skills.

It's very important to be resourceful, so here's a recipe using only the contents of my fridge:

1 x half jar of curry sauce
1 x bar of butter
1 x bar of cheese
7 x rolls of film

Remove the foil from the butter, and boil the butter until melted. Add the photographic films, and place the gold foil from the butter in the microwave, and heat until microwave sparks and makes a large bang. Pour the melted butter into empty jars and freeze for six weeks. Pour the curry sauce into a bowl, and eat with a large wooden spoon. Place the cheese back in the fridge.

NB. Try adding salt, for some extra taste.

A quick recipe

Hello.

Just a quickie today. It's called HJG GHOPJJJJ

1 x tin of mushroom soup
1 x tin of tomato soup
1 x tin of chicken soup
1 x banana (sliced)
1 x banana (decomposed)
1 x bag of flour

Open all the tins except for the chicken soup. Pour the soup into a deep baking tray. Add the banana, and pour the flour over generously. Place the chicken soup on the floor, to use as a door stop. Place the baking tray in the oven and leave for about a week. Take out, and throw directly into the bin. Pick the chicken soup up from the floor, open, and pour into a bowl. Microwave on full power for 4 minutes, stirring halfway. Serve with honey.

New phone

As you know, I'm no stranger to cutting edge technology. I'd be lost without my Tiny Pentium 75, and my Sony MiniDisk. I'm pretty handy when it comes to fixing stuff also, only last week I changed the plug on my Tea's Made - a new alarm clock that pours scoulding water on you every morning - it sure wakes me up.

You can imagine my delight when a man in my local Post Office offered to sell me the Nokia 1610, and for paltry a £250. I happily cleared out my life's savings and gave him the money, knowing I was practically steeling it off him. I've written a little review of it.

Phone's don't come much sleeker than Nokia's new offering, the 1610. Available exclusively in black, this little beauty has twenty-three buttons, seventeen of which are fully operational. Battery life is exceptional, you can chat for up to twelve minutes between recharging. Although fashion victims will be wowed by it's style, it has many functions, listed below:

- Make telephone calls
- Use to tell the time

Disadvantages, damage to '0' and '1' keys means most telephone numbers are not accessible.

If you need to contact me on this phone, call me on 0424 994 444. You'll get a message about not being in service, which according to the man who sold it to me is 'Voice Mail', where you can leave me a message.

Broken TV

My TV's broken. I can't change the channels from the remote, only from the TV button panel. When I thought about it, I realised that it'd never been oiled. So, I got some oil from my shed, and poured the whole bottle into the set. It hasn't really worked, you could even say that I've worsened the situation, as it no longer turns on. On the plus side, I put new batteries in the remote control, so that now works (I assume - I can't actually test it).

I had a dinner party the other day, although no-one actually came. Here's what I cooked:

"Sticky Pork"

5 x eggs
1 x full bag of flour
1 x cup of orange juice (freshly squeezed)
1289 x Hundreds and thousands
1 x pint of goat's milk (freshly squeezed)
1 x onion.

Place the flour into a bowl, and add the onion. Pour over half the orange juice, and pour the remaining juice down the sink. Put all the eggs in the microwave, and heat on full power until they explode. Mix in the milk, and pour the mixture directly on to the hob. Light the hob, and cook for 8 minutes. Pour on 1148 of the hundreds and thousands, and serve.

Note: If you are unable to get goat's milk, substitute with a jar of salt.

I'm back!

Hello avid readers.

Yes, it's me, you good old friend Albo. I've been away for a while, now, and boy have I been busy! Where do I begin?

SEPTEMBER:

September was crazy, it really was. The thing about this month is that it always follows August, which is absurd enough in itself. I tried my hardest to get a job, but a whole manor of obstacles got in my way. Firstly, the usual system of having to apply for jobs really bothers me. This seemed to slim down my options. Secondly, I found a way to get hold of free money. I got a credit card. Two, in fact. I'm not sure how the credit companies make money, but I'm in no hurry to found out. The third obstacle preventing me from getting a job, was a large traffic cone outside my door, stopping me from leaving the house.

I decided to cook to for the last week of September. Unable to leave my house, I only used ingredients already in the cupboard. Here's a fantastic recipe that you should try yourself.

"Household's delight"

2 x eggs
1 x half loaf of bread (pref mouldy)
1 x handful of pasta spirals
1 x half bag of frozen peas
11 x heaped table spoons of salt
1 x half jar of instant coffee.

Preheat oven to highest setting. Place the bread evenly on the baking tray, Crush pasta spirals with a hammer, and sprinkle onto the bread, until all bread is covered. Add the frozen peas, and place in the oven for 15 minutes. Remove, and add the coffee and the salt. Serve with tap water, preferable lots, to compensate for the high salt levels.

I made this several times, however I stopped eventually, as it tended to make me physically sick.

OCTOBER:

The traffic cone was removed, enabling me to leave the house. My first trip was to the police station, to report the theft of my car, from right outside my house, can you believe it? Nowhere in modern society is safe from such evil. The police took quite a few details, and told me they'd look in to it. I did tell them one white lie, regarding the car. I told them that I had a maroon Lada 66TT. In reality, I've never owned a car, let alone had one stolen. I can't even drive. I hope this doesn't infringe their investigation. Incidentally, I don't think that Lada produces a car called the 66TT.

The other thing I did in October, was to go to the supermarket. I bought some new food, as having not eaten in eight days, was beginning to feel weak. I return home, to cook a cracker of a meal:

"Albo's special pudding"
6 x large pots of Greek yoghurt
13 x small bags of dry roasted peanuts
1 x generous portion of grated, strong cheddar
1 x drop of Tabasco sauce
11 x heaped tablespoons of salt
1 x can of tuna fish (must be in brine)

Empty all ingredients into a large bowl and mix with a wooden spoon, or a hammer if you don't have one. Place in the fridge for 60 seconds, and remove. Pour into a large wok. Cook on the hob for about an hour, until black. Serve with a slice of lemon.

NOVEMBER & DECEMBER

I have no memory of these months.

JANUARY

Not the best of starts to the New Year. I lost my keys, and was locked out of my house for three weeks. I slept in a local street, and became quite good friends with Alistair and Lord John, two local tramps. They smell terribly, but boy do they know how to drink. I played a few games of poker with them, however not being familiar with the game, I lost miserable. I ended up owning £300, but it was me who got the last laugh - I didn't pay them a penny. I simply told them fuck off.

I re-entered my house at the end of the month, through the back door, which was never locked. Arguably, I should have done this earlier. Excited by my return home, I cooked a slap up meal:

"Uncle John's Lunch"
1 x large bag of onions
1 x tin of baked beans
1 x half bottle of orange squash
2 x jars of low sugar jam
1 x plain digestive biscuit
1 x large bag of sugar.

Preheat oven to highest setting. Place the onions in the oven, and bake until charcoal like. Heat some water in a saucepan, and add the baked beans. Boil for 20 minutes. Drink the orange squash, undiluted, and vomit if necessary. Drain the boiled baked beans, and add to the charcoaled onions. Throw the digestive biscuit in the bin, and spread the jar of jam generously onto the beans. Pour all the sugar on, then leave in the freezer over night. Remove the following morning and microwave on full power for 20 minutes.

FEBRUARY

I have no memory of February.

MARCH

So, here we are - completely up to date. I'll be back soon, telling you more about my life, and maybe slotting in a few recommendations.

Albo. 04.03.06