My father invented cheese

No-one ever believes me when I say this, but it happens to be a fact.

The story goes that when he was a young lad, he was in the kitchen, intending to make a bacon and egg sandwich. He accidentally undercooked the egg, and overcooked the bacon. When he mixed them together, it produced a tangy by creamy cheese tasting product.

He immediately ran naked through the streets of London, pronouncing 'Cheese, cheese, I've invented cheese'. After he was released on bale, he returned home briefly, before getting sectioned under the Mental Health Act.

I've often told this story, generally to disbelief, and normally to uncontrollable laughter. It is however true, and I am waiting to hear back in regards to getting a patent.

Here's one of my favourite cheese-based recipes:

Cheese Sandwich

1 x lemon
48 x mushrooms
3 1/2 x battered tomatoes
12 x cloves of garlic
1g x salmon

Fry the lemon until alight, dice the mushrooms and rub in the microwave. Batter the tomotoes further, with a hammer and add to the lemon. Eat the garlic, and vomit if neccessary. Pour the lemon and tomatoes onto the samon and boil for about a day. Serve with a member of family.

Last night

I sat in my room looking out onto the street. It was about four in the morning, and my window was open. There was an old tramp stumbling across the road, he looked to be struggling - so after careful thought, I threw him a can of beer. It narrowly missed his head. It hit a rubbish bin, making a loud din and woke up several dogs. On closer inspection, I realised it wasn’t a tramp but my neighbour, Susan.

I was now feeling quite awake, so decided to go for a walk. I put on a coat and headed on to the street. I found my beer by the bin and opened it; I sipped it as it spurted beer over my face. I turned my head, and as I did so, my own rubbish bin caught my eye. In it was a brand new microwave oven, very similar to my own. I began to suspect that it was my own; having only bought it that day, I had accidentally disposed of it instead of putting it in my kitchen. Laughing to myself at the stupidity of throwing away a working microwave, I carefully removed it from the bin and threw it with great force down the street. Content that it was now broken, I re-positioned it in the bin.

Feeling an urge to relieve myself, I approached my front door and urinated up it, checking the doorbell worked as I did, which I knew for a fact didn’t. It was at this point that I realised that I had a left my keys in the flat. Luckily, however, I had a spare set under the doormat, which I had just pissed on.

I noticed the milkman had come early so I crossed the street to see if the flat opposite had any milk, which it didn’t. Nor did its neighbours, or any of the houses. In fact, the milkman couldn’t have come early, as the milkman did not deliver to this street. I walked back to my flat and as I got to my door, turned round and threw my can at the road, having been aiming for the pavement but just shaving it by five metres.

I went back in, through the land-in and up the stairs. I went into my kitchen and turned the light on. I decided to boil an egg, so I filled the kettle and switched it on. After about thirty seconds, I got bored waiting, so I just poured the water of the egg and hoped for the best. I peered out the window and saw a cat creeping along, so I hurled my egg at it. It yelped, then jumped to the floor and urinated on my bicycle.

I went back to my room and put on my tie. I peered out of the window before lying on my bed. I fell asleep, and had a dream about a dwarf bank manager.

Dating Advice

You'll probably find this very useful.

Get a job you lazy git!

If, like me, there is a person who owns the house you live in and asks you for money every month, then my best tip is that you get a job.

Although difficult to be exact, there are about 94 different jobs available, ranging from checkout assistant to butcher. Essentially a good job is one where you earn a maximum amount of money for minimum effort.

However, there is a major stumbling block, which is getting employed. I've so far yet to achieve this, and my most recent attempt resulted in my arrest (although I was released without charge).

The job I was applying for was for some company that I think was in the catering company, supplying blue chips. Having seen the position advertised in the paper, I arrived in my chef's outfit at the headquarters, declaring my availability. When they told me I was unsuitable, I tried to convince them otherwise, setting up a Bunsen burner on the reception and frying some haddock and honey. That was when the police were called.

Luckily, the dole office give me money for nothing, so things aren't that bad. Also, ironically, the haddock and honey recipe turned out to be a disaster anyway - I should have used maple syrup.

I've been away

I haven't updated this site for while due a slight lapse in memory. Basically, I forgot where my computer was kept (front room) and more to the point I forgot where I lived (53 Pickton Road). I've been sleeping rough as I result, an experience which I would have quite enjoyed were it not for starvation and constant physical and verbal abuse.

Talking of violence, someone I met the other day said that the Mayor of London is raising the charge on use of machine guns in central London to £10. Or something like that. I'm pretty much unaffected by the tax, though I understand some people are up in arms about it (no pun intended).

In honour of the new charge, I've made a new recipe:

"Gun sandwich"

1 x sock
18 x peanuts
1 x bowl of gravy
3 x eggs
2 tbs marmite
9 litres of sunflower oil.

Place the peanuts in the sock, and hit with a sledghammer until they are suitably broken. Fry the gravy for several hours, until blackened, and add the whole eggs. Pour the oil through a strainer over a sink, until oil is gone. Boil the marmite in water, and pour the conents over the gravy. Garnish with Parsley.

(As an alternative to this dish, you may want to order a pizza).

Fridge

I've had a lot of letters asking what it takes to be a great cook. I don't have a clue, but thankfully I'm blessed with fine kitchen skills.

It's very important to be resourceful, so here's a recipe using only the contents of my fridge:

1 x half jar of curry sauce
1 x bar of butter
1 x bar of cheese
7 x rolls of film

Remove the foil from the butter, and boil the butter until melted. Add the photographic films, and place the gold foil from the butter in the microwave, and heat until microwave sparks and makes a large bang. Pour the melted butter into empty jars and freeze for six weeks. Pour the curry sauce into a bowl, and eat with a large wooden spoon. Place the cheese back in the fridge.

NB. Try adding salt, for some extra taste.

A quick recipe

Hello.

Just a quickie today. It's called HJG GHOPJJJJ

1 x tin of mushroom soup
1 x tin of tomato soup
1 x tin of chicken soup
1 x banana (sliced)
1 x banana (decomposed)
1 x bag of flour

Open all the tins except for the chicken soup. Pour the soup into a deep baking tray. Add the banana, and pour the flour over generously. Place the chicken soup on the floor, to use as a door stop. Place the baking tray in the oven and leave for about a week. Take out, and throw directly into the bin. Pick the chicken soup up from the floor, open, and pour into a bowl. Microwave on full power for 4 minutes, stirring halfway. Serve with honey.

New phone

As you know, I'm no stranger to cutting edge technology. I'd be lost without my Tiny Pentium 75, and my Sony MiniDisk. I'm pretty handy when it comes to fixing stuff also, only last week I changed the plug on my Tea's Made - a new alarm clock that pours scoulding water on you every morning - it sure wakes me up.

You can imagine my delight when a man in my local Post Office offered to sell me the Nokia 1610, and for paltry a £250. I happily cleared out my life's savings and gave him the money, knowing I was practically steeling it off him. I've written a little review of it.

Phone's don't come much sleeker than Nokia's new offering, the 1610. Available exclusively in black, this little beauty has twenty-three buttons, seventeen of which are fully operational. Battery life is exceptional, you can chat for up to twelve minutes between recharging. Although fashion victims will be wowed by it's style, it has many functions, listed below:

- Make telephone calls
- Use to tell the time

Disadvantages, damage to '0' and '1' keys means most telephone numbers are not accessible.

If you need to contact me on this phone, call me on 0424 994 444. You'll get a message about not being in service, which according to the man who sold it to me is 'Voice Mail', where you can leave me a message.